Mending a pair of pants while watching cartoons? The perfect relaxation activity if you’ve got ADHD. Photo: Zoe Cartwright.
If the almighty algorithm has served you up videos that make you grumble, “Everyone has ADHD these days,” my friend, I have some news for you.
I am not a psychologist, nor a psychiatrist, but I am MMADHD (Married to a Man with ADHD).
I’ve learnt a lot. Partly from lived experience, partly from visits with experts and partly from Facebook reels.
I don’t know what you think ADHD looks like in adults.
Maybe you imagine the classic absent-minded professor with mismatched socks, or a guy who does spontaneous push-ups in the middle of the office.
For my husband it looked like being a skilled professional working at a high level in a demanding career.
It looked like hair and beard always freshly shaved, dressed neatly in something from his co-ordinated capsule wardrobe.
It looked like saying yes to everyone, then being confused, frustrated and disappointed he couldn’t follow through on his promises to be in three places at once.
It looked like everything in our house sitting on benches or tables, because if he couldn’t see it he’d assume we didn’t have it, and buy another one.
We didn’t know any of this was ADHD.
I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t understand that if we were having lunch with friends at 12, we couldn’t also go surfing at 12:30.
It drove me nuts that every item in our pantry had to live on the kitchen bench.
One day he was scrolling through Facebook and saw a silly video of a woman talking about how if she couldn’t see things, they were gone.
Objects, people, schedules – if it wasn’t in her field of view, it didn’t exist.
“That’s me,” he said excitedly, and we both had a good laugh.
The all-knowing algorithm served more ADHD content up to him, to be met with more “That’s me” until finally, the penny dropped.
“Maybe that actually is me,” he said, “maybe I have ADHD.”
We had a chat with his lovely, loving parents.
“Well, one of your teachers suggested we get you tested,” they said.
“But you just needed structure – as long as you had swim club in the morning, soccer in the afternoon and karate of an evening you were no trouble.”
He spoke to a psychologist at work, who agreed he showed plenty of ADHD traits – some positive, some less so.
Impulsive life decisions – like moving from Scotland to New Zealand after a breakup.
Struggles to stay in contact with friends and family back home – out of sight, out of mind. The crushing guilt when he remembered who he’d forgotten.
Love for extreme sports, from skydiving to snowboarding to mixed martial arts.
Strong emotional reactions, and a deep frustration with injustice or unfairness.
He’d managed to put himself in environments where his ADHD traits could shine. The sense of urgency in his high-pressure career kept him focussed.
His loyalty and sense of justice made him an unwavering advocate and firm friend.
But all the extra effort to keep things together was taking its toll.
It took time, and it wasn’t cheap, but he made an appointment with a psychiatrist who spoke to his parents and schoolteachers and gave him a formal diagnosis.
He began to trial medications. When he found one that worked it was life-changing.
All of a sudden, things he intended to do became things he did.
He started group chats with his siblings and friends back home, and now keeps in touch regularly.
Instead of existing in a perpetual state of panic he’s now able to organise his time.
It hasn’t changed who he is.
His approach to life is still skydiving without a parachute and building one on the way down.
He’s silly and funny, thinks out of the box and feels things strongly.
It’s just become easier for him to show up in the world as the kind of person he wants to be.
So if it feels like everyone on your social media feed has ADHD, take a closer look – you might learn something about yourself.
