Plenty of relationships seem ‘perfect’ on the outside, but you never know what could be happening behind closed doors. Photo: Vladdeep Photography.
If a loved one told you they were being controlled by their partner, would you know what to do?
Coercive control isn’t a single event; it’s systematic abuse that comes from a series of isolated behaviours. These behaviours might seem small on their own, but together they form a pattern that seeks to harm, intimidate, or isolate another person and gain authority over them.
As partner at Nicholls Anzani Family Lawyers, Ana Anzani sees the effects of coercive control all too often.
She says that although this kind of abuse is taken more seriously than it was in the past, Canberra still has a long way to go.
“There isn’t a standalone offence for coercive control in the ACT right now. Instead, it’s recognised as a form of domestic and family violence and addressed under the same laws,” Ana says.
“The ACT government is working on new legislation to separately criminalise coercive control, but unfortunately, it just isn’t happening fast enough.”
Like other forms of family violence, coercive control often starts slowly and gets worse over time. Small changes aren’t as obvious and may be introduced under the guise of worry or care, so victim-survivors may not realise what they’re being subjected to at first, or even at all.
No matter how it starts, Ana says this kind of abuse can absolutely escalate to become fatal.
Warning signs can be difficult to spot due to the subtle, manipulative nature of the abuse and the fact that no two cases are the same.
People experiencing coercive control might feel like they’re trapped in their relationship, are ‘going crazy’, owe their partner in some way, or will never find another person who loves them.
Some red flags to watch out for include love bombing, gaslighting, location or device monitoring, and introducing rules around money, food, clothing, or exercise that only apply to you.
If your friend or family member suddenly shuts off contact, becomes timid, moves away, quits a job they love, or changes their usual style to what their partner prefers, they could be a victim of coercive control.
According to Ana, the most reliable distinction is a lack of choice.
“Let’s say one parent is the breadwinner and sets a budget for their partner who primarily stays at home. That alone doesn’t constitute coercive control, because it may have come from a mutual decision,” she says.
“But if John sets a strict allowance for Jane and dictates what she can spend it on, then takes himself to a fancy dinner while she has to stay home, that’s very different.”
Ana Anzani specialises in complex family law, including matters that involve high-conflict separation and family violence. Photo: Nicholls Anzani.
Ana stresses that anybody can find themselves in this situation, no matter their age, gender, education, wealth, or cultural background.
“Love is blind and abuse doesn’t discriminate,” she says.
“I have personally met many strong, successful, intelligent men and women who became so moulded by their abuser just to survive that they lost all sense of identity.
“Some had to relearn their favourite colour and what kinds of food they like to eat.”
It’s important to stand firm on the fact that coercive control is not acceptable in Australia. Unfortunately, escaping any kind of family violence can be dangerous for the victim and those trying to help.
Ana advises against trying to resolve any kind of family violence without professional help.
From a legal perspective, coercive control is difficult to prove and even more difficult to resolve. Family lawyers like Ana must work to identify each instance of abuse before presenting them to the court in a way that highlights behaviour patterns.
“There’s a lot of verbal support and planning going on in the ACT, but we need to see real, actionable change, and fast,” Ana says.
“Everyone should know what abuse can look like and where to go for help if they need it. I think the conversation should start early, in school and at home.
“We will never see the end of coercive control unless we tackle the problem before it starts.”
For more information, including shareable resources, visit ACT Government: Coercive control.
If you or someone you know is experiencing any kind of abuse, help is available. Visit 1800 RESPECT, call 1800 737 732, or visit ACT Government: Get help now for a list of domestic and family violence support services.
