Are weddings too expensive for guests?

chewy14 said :

Alexandra Craig said :

People shouldn’t have to pay their way to attend someone’s wedding. And let’s put it this way – I have no financial problems. I am lucky to have a good job and a very decent amount of savings. But let’s just say I was earning minimum wage and had children to support, and a friend who is spending $200k on her wedding has invited me. What, do I not get to go to something I really want to go to, and have been invited to, because I can’t afford to give her whatever the equivalent it costs to have me there? If people want the equivalent then it’s time to start putting ticket costs in the invitation.

Based on your logic, if your friend had a wedding that costed a million dollars and the price of having you there was $1500, would you give them that in the wishing well?

No, based on my logic you would give what you can afford or what you want to give and the bride and groom would be happy and thankful for your gift.

For me personally, I see that as a way of offsetting the costs for the couple, so that they can have the perfect day, the way they want it without breaking their bank account.

The way you are talking about it, it’s a massive issue whether you are giving the right amount or whether you’ll look bad for not giving enough. Is that your problem or is it something else? If that is your problem, then I would say relax, there is no “right” amount, just give whatever you want. If a bride and groom was ever offended by the amount someone gave, then they’re probably not worth the time anyway.

If people ask for money, then that’s what they want. You shouldn’t think you know what they need better than they know themselves.

Exactly. It’s really not hard. These people complaining about giving money… do their heads also explode when they have to set a budget for a gift to give? Some of these people sound like they are much higher maintenance than the bride and groom.

Henry82 said :

The obvious solution is not to have extravagant friends.

….Or no friends at all #foreveralone

Weddings can be as expensive as you want it. For the last 3 years I have been to over 15 of them as I am in that age where all of my mates are getting married.

I have been in the bridal party a few times and yes, that is an expensive exercise. But you know what – I really don’t care. These are my closest friends sharing their day with you. Friends should accept you for what you are and what you do. The weddings I have attended have been all over Australia and the world with different levels of extravagance and casualness (shorts and t-shirt, pig on the spit wedding! HELLO!).

Don’t get upset people, do what you want. Spend your money how you want. You get one shot at your life and having good friends around you is more valuable than stressing about some cash in a card.

Alexandra Craig said :

Mysteryman said :

Alexandra Craig said :

Mysteryman said :

Alexandra Craig said :

I buy practical gifts (things that they actually need) for people’s birthdays. And I ask the same of my family. The last few Christmases and birthdays I genuinely have not needed anything, so I’ve told my family not to get me anything, donate it to charity instead. The exception to this being the most recent Christmas where my mum insisted on getting me a gift so I asked her for a new toasted and kettle because the 15 year old ones I had were probably on their way out.

The vibe I get from weddings is that guests are very much expected to give money in a wishing well and as others have raised in the comments, giving money directly puts pressure on people moreso than what a gift does.

As for giving enough for them to cover the cost of having me there, no way. That’s not a thing. If you invite someone to your wedding you should be happy to pay for them to be there. I would never, ever expect someone to pay their own way to go to my wedding.

Giving money puts NO more financial pressure on anyone than a gift – which people like you seem to be fine with. There is no more social pressure, either. If you want to build irrational arguments as to why one is so drastically different than the other, then go for it. But that pressure is coming from you. Nobody else.

What it sounds like you’re really saying is “either *I* buy you a present that *I* think you need, or you get nothing at all…but I’ll still come to your wedding and eat, and drink”. Covering the cost of having you there in absence of you being able to figure out a budget is “not a thing”, hey? You seem to be well and truly supporting my earlier point about selfishness. I’m glad I don’t have many friends who think like that.

Didn’t say I got them presents that I thought they needed. I said I got them presents that they needed. I pay pretty close attention to what people say and I make a point of remembering if someone says they need something. Then if their birthday or Christmas or whatever happens to be close by, then I’ll buy it for them.

Right, but if they say they need money, then too bad for them? My point is valid – you only seem to be prepared to give them what they ask for if it lines up with what you decide they need.

If you need money, don’t have a flash OTT wedding until you can pay for it.

I know of people who have given to a wishing well in the past on the assumption that it would pay for a honeymoon and the newlyweds used it to pay off credit cards (maxed out before wedding costs). I know not every couple do this, and it would be the minority, but my point still stands. I’m not subsidising people’s bills.

“Maxed out credit cards?”
What a great way to start married life.
No wonder this country has one of the highest personal ebt ratios in the world.

The obvious solution is not to have extravagant friends.

It depends. As someone who has lived in some extreme places in Australia, travel is expensive, but even in my poor student days I saved and paid the money with joy as I just wanted to see my friends get married. 1 friend asked for money as a gift, but I asked to be excused as I’d paid over 1000 to get there and for accommodation (a caravan park) and food, the basic stuff, she was cool with that.

With my other 2 friends, 1 got married in the back yard at her mum’s place, then we all went to the Raspberry farm in Tasmania which she paid for. I had my hair done for that, and make up too as I was her bridesmaid. The combination cost me $150. I wore an old dress that I’d picked up for $20 in a second hand store, and it was fine because it is a classic cut, and elegant. She only asked for a set of Doctor Who DVDs. 🙂

The other wedding was outside at a free venue, and we were asked to pay for meals. I know how upset people get over this sort of request, but they are very poor, and realised what they were asking, so the meals were a counter meal at the local pub, which was a really friendly, low key way to celebrate, and the pub staff were really excited to serve us as it was weird to have a wedding there. They asked for no presents, but we got them something anyway.

The weddings I have liked better, as a wedding tourist, are the low key nerdy weddings, as they were fun and honest and I felt more valued. The bigger the wedding, and the more perfect it is, the less human and friendly it feels in my opinion.

We had a buffet at ours so that we could provide guests with a choice instead of alternate serve. Not everything was perfect, but the best part was that my Doctor Who fan bridesmaid and her husband joined us at our house later to team up against each other on the Wii. We didn’t request gifts, so we got heaps of glass ware, which is fortunate as I am sometimes awkward and break glasses, such as New Years Eve. I figure we have about a 20 year supply of them, but if I were to do it again, I still wouldn’t tell my guests to get me a gift as I find it rude and can see the positive side.

You really don’t need a spray tan, I don’t think, but I second Napolean, they are really friendly and work with nerds like me too, you could almost cancel the cost of the list because you have product you can use. Also, get more nerd friends, we aren’t as fussy. If you turn up dressed up as Doctor Who, then that would be uber awesome!

If any marrying couple is rude enough to ask for money – buy them something uber-traditional, like handblown crystal – according to your budget, with a silver-and-white card. Bugger them!

I think Sophia outlines pretty well in the article why having everyone give money as a gift at a wedding might feel uncomfortable for a lot of people. I’m currently a student (living off scholarship money now, and before that what I earned from my casual job) and most of the people my partner and I are friends with are in a similar situation. We’re also getting to the point where members of our friend group are starting to get engaged/married. On and off, it’s often been the case where one of our friends, or a couple in our friend group, aren’t doing so well financially – our former housemate lost his job unexpectedly a few months back. If you’re in this kind of position and you’re invited to someone’s wedding where the couple have a wishing well, you essentially have three choices:

1) Gift an amount (if any) that you can afford – if your contribution ends up being significantly less than that of other guests, obviously the couple are going to know. Best case scenario, they’ll acknowledge that you can’t afford it/there isn’t really a social script about how much is appropriate to give; worst case, they assume you’re being cheap.

2) Work out a contribution roughly based off estimated cost of the wedding (as Sophia did) and gift this amount, even if it involves spending beyond your means – probably not a viable option.

3) Politely decline the invitation.

Now my partner and I definitely know people who, if a guest invited to a wedding went with option 3) and cited expense as the reason, would say that this was fine and that they invited the person because they wanted them there, and that no gift of any kind was required – as pretty well all of us understand what it’s like to be poor. But (at least in my opinion) there’s a lot of social pressure around being honest and saying you can’t afford to do something. I don’t think many people are going to be comfortable disclosing their financial status in this way, or as with option 1), simply giving less money. When you choose a gift for someone, you don’t just put in a monetary cost – you take time picking something that they’ll like and appreciate. Admittedly part of the ‘choosing something’ component of the gift is taken away with a gift registry, but at least in that case the couple’s chosen items within a particular price range, so it’s more clear what’s expected.

Really the best you can do when working out what to contribute to a wishing well is to try and base it off the cost of having people at the wedding – but this is going to involve guesswork.

At the end of the day, I think that if a couple planning their wedding decides they’d rather receive money than gifts, they have the right to make that decision. But at the same time, if I were to make that decision, I’d do it acknowledging that it’d probably be pretty uncomfortable for at least a few of my guests – or I’d make it very clear that whatever amount was affordable (or none at all) was fine. Weddings come with a lot of social and cultural expectations, and there’s a reason there’s a Miss Manners guide on the subject.

I really like Alexandra’s idea of having guests donate to a charity of my choice, so I’d probably consider doing something like that if I ever got married!

Mysteryman said :

Alexandra Craig said :

Mysteryman said :

Alexandra Craig said :

I buy practical gifts (things that they actually need) for people’s birthdays. And I ask the same of my family. The last few Christmases and birthdays I genuinely have not needed anything, so I’ve told my family not to get me anything, donate it to charity instead. The exception to this being the most recent Christmas where my mum insisted on getting me a gift so I asked her for a new toasted and kettle because the 15 year old ones I had were probably on their way out.

The vibe I get from weddings is that guests are very much expected to give money in a wishing well and as others have raised in the comments, giving money directly puts pressure on people moreso than what a gift does.

As for giving enough for them to cover the cost of having me there, no way. That’s not a thing. If you invite someone to your wedding you should be happy to pay for them to be there. I would never, ever expect someone to pay their own way to go to my wedding.

Giving money puts NO more financial pressure on anyone than a gift – which people like you seem to be fine with. There is no more social pressure, either. If you want to build irrational arguments as to why one is so drastically different than the other, then go for it. But that pressure is coming from you. Nobody else.

What it sounds like you’re really saying is “either *I* buy you a present that *I* think you need, or you get nothing at all…but I’ll still come to your wedding and eat, and drink”. Covering the cost of having you there in absence of you being able to figure out a budget is “not a thing”, hey? You seem to be well and truly supporting my earlier point about selfishness. I’m glad I don’t have many friends who think like that.

Didn’t say I got them presents that I thought they needed. I said I got them presents that they needed. I pay pretty close attention to what people say and I make a point of remembering if someone says they need something. Then if their birthday or Christmas or whatever happens to be close by, then I’ll buy it for them.

Right, but if they say they need money, then too bad for them? My point is valid – you only seem to be prepared to give them what they ask for if it lines up with what you decide they need.

If you need money, don’t have a flash OTT wedding until you can pay for it.

I know of people who have given to a wishing well in the past on the assumption that it would pay for a honeymoon and the newlyweds used it to pay off credit cards (maxed out before wedding costs). I know not every couple do this, and it would be the minority, but my point still stands. I’m not subsidising people’s bills.

It’s akin to children’s birthday parties: who can give the best gift. Surely the whole idea is that someone gets an invite to a wedding because they’re a friend of the bride and/or groom. Who gives a toss if the gift isn’t by Tiffany

Alexandra Craig said :

People shouldn’t have to pay their way to attend someone’s wedding. And let’s put it this way – I have no financial problems. I am lucky to have a good job and a very decent amount of savings. But let’s just say I was earning minimum wage and had children to support, and a friend who is spending $200k on her wedding has invited me. What, do I not get to go to something I really want to go to, and have been invited to, because I can’t afford to give her whatever the equivalent it costs to have me there? If people want the equivalent then it’s time to start putting ticket costs in the invitation.

Based on your logic, if your friend had a wedding that costed a million dollars and the price of having you there was $1500, would you give them that in the wishing well?

No, based on my logic you would give what you can afford or what you want to give and the bride and groom would be happy and thankful for your gift.

For me personally, I see that as a way of offsetting the costs for the couple, so that they can have the perfect day, the way they want it without breaking their bank account.

The way you are talking about it, it’s a massive issue whether you are giving the right amount or whether you’ll look bad for not giving enough. Is that your problem or is it something else? If that is your problem, then I would say relax, there is no “right” amount, just give whatever you want. If a bride and groom was ever offended by the amount someone gave, then they’re probably not worth the time anyway.

If people ask for money, then that’s what they want. You shouldn’t think you know what they need better than they know themselves.

Alexandra Craig said :

Mysteryman said :

Alexandra Craig said :

I buy practical gifts (things that they actually need) for people’s birthdays. And I ask the same of my family. The last few Christmases and birthdays I genuinely have not needed anything, so I’ve told my family not to get me anything, donate it to charity instead. The exception to this being the most recent Christmas where my mum insisted on getting me a gift so I asked her for a new toasted and kettle because the 15 year old ones I had were probably on their way out.

The vibe I get from weddings is that guests are very much expected to give money in a wishing well and as others have raised in the comments, giving money directly puts pressure on people moreso than what a gift does.

As for giving enough for them to cover the cost of having me there, no way. That’s not a thing. If you invite someone to your wedding you should be happy to pay for them to be there. I would never, ever expect someone to pay their own way to go to my wedding.

Giving money puts NO more financial pressure on anyone than a gift – which people like you seem to be fine with. There is no more social pressure, either. If you want to build irrational arguments as to why one is so drastically different than the other, then go for it. But that pressure is coming from you. Nobody else.

What it sounds like you’re really saying is “either *I* buy you a present that *I* think you need, or you get nothing at all…but I’ll still come to your wedding and eat, and drink”. Covering the cost of having you there in absence of you being able to figure out a budget is “not a thing”, hey? You seem to be well and truly supporting my earlier point about selfishness. I’m glad I don’t have many friends who think like that.

Didn’t say I got them presents that I thought they needed. I said I got them presents that they needed. I pay pretty close attention to what people say and I make a point of remembering if someone says they need something. Then if their birthday or Christmas or whatever happens to be close by, then I’ll buy it for them.

Right, but if they say they need money, then too bad for them? My point is valid – you only seem to be prepared to give them what they ask for if it lines up with what you decide they need.

Mysteryman said :

Alexandra Craig said :

I buy practical gifts (things that they actually need) for people’s birthdays. And I ask the same of my family. The last few Christmases and birthdays I genuinely have not needed anything, so I’ve told my family not to get me anything, donate it to charity instead. The exception to this being the most recent Christmas where my mum insisted on getting me a gift so I asked her for a new toasted and kettle because the 15 year old ones I had were probably on their way out.

The vibe I get from weddings is that guests are very much expected to give money in a wishing well and as others have raised in the comments, giving money directly puts pressure on people moreso than what a gift does.

As for giving enough for them to cover the cost of having me there, no way. That’s not a thing. If you invite someone to your wedding you should be happy to pay for them to be there. I would never, ever expect someone to pay their own way to go to my wedding.

Giving money puts NO more financial pressure on anyone than a gift – which people like you seem to be fine with. There is no more social pressure, either. If you want to build irrational arguments as to why one is so drastically different than the other, then go for it. But that pressure is coming from you. Nobody else.

What it sounds like you’re really saying is “either *I* buy you a present that *I* think you need, or you get nothing at all…but I’ll still come to your wedding and eat, and drink”. Covering the cost of having you there in absence of you being able to figure out a budget is “not a thing”, hey? You seem to be well and truly supporting my earlier point about selfishness. I’m glad I don’t have many friends who think like that.

Didn’t say I got them presents that I thought they needed. I said I got them presents that they needed. I pay pretty close attention to what people say and I make a point of remembering if someone says they need something. Then if their birthday or Christmas or whatever happens to be close by, then I’ll buy it for them.

chewy14 said :

Alexandra Craig said :

Mysteryman said :

watto23 said :

dungfungus said :

What is “the wishing well”?
I am guessing it is a trendy way of the bride and groom saying “don’t give us a toaster; we want cash”.

Aah yes they have everything, the lucky buggers, but you know as we have everything cash would be handy so we can spend it on all the things we have already.

I find wishing wells incredibly rude and when I put money in one I do it in an anonymous envelope. I tell others to do the same. .

Why is it so offensive to you? Do you have insecurities about money? Are you afraid the hosts will think you’re stingy?

I can understand newlyweds asking for money. Many of them have lived together before being married and have most of the items that would have been considered perfect wedding gifts 20 or 30 years ago. Do you feel they should just accept duplicates and triplicates of items they already have, rather than offend you by suggesting that you give them money instead (money that you would have just spent on a gift anyway)? Perhaps they are saving for a house deposit and intend to use the gifted money to pay for a honeymoon? Surely that’s more sensible then setting up a gift registry for items they don’t need. As a guest, I’d rather give money. It means they bride and groom get what they want (it’s their wedding anyway) and I don’t have to traipse around the mall for an hour or two trying to find something to buy them.

It’s standard practice in many Asian cultures that money is the only gift given at weddings. There’s even a registry at the front of the reception where guests drop their money off, and the amount is recorded next to their name. Nobody gets wound up about it. It’s just how it’s done. People give what they can afford or what they feel is appropriate, and move on to enjoying the feast. It’s no big deal. I don’t see what it should be a problem in our culture.

I don’t know about everyone else but that’s pretty much the reason I don’t like them. Not because I have insecurities about money, but because I don’t know how much is expected at these things. Nor do I know how much everyone else is contributing. I went to a wedding once with one of these wishing wells, I only knew two other people at the wedding so we couldn’t ask other guests in advance what to contribute. I can’t remember what we put in now.

My thing is, if you already have everything for your house you don’t *need* money. If you want a honeymoon then spend less on your wedding. If you can’t pay for your wedding then invite less people or hire a cheaper venue. It just seems greedy to me. I would rather people donate to charity.

I think the exact opposite is true.

The hosts are putting on an event and really want to spend the day with you. Therefore, I see the wishing well as a way of paying for my ticket to the event and all the food and drink I’m going to have whilst celebrating with them. It allows them to have the day they want.

Saying to invite less people or hire a cheaper venue is just silly, it’s their day and they can do as they please. An invitation to a wedding is not a summons and you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.

In the wishing well, you give whatever you want or can afford. If the bride and groom are your friends then they won’t care about the amount and will take the gift in the spirit it’s given. If they’re that pretentious that there is a “correct” or “minimum” amount, then perhaps they’re not the kind of people you want to be hanging around with anyway?

People shouldn’t have to pay their way to attend someone’s wedding. And let’s put it this way – I have no financial problems. I am lucky to have a good job and a very decent amount of savings. But let’s just say I was earning minimum wage and had children to support, and a friend who is spending $200k on her wedding has invited me. What, do I not get to go to something I really want to go to, and have been invited to, because I can’t afford to give her whatever the equivalent it costs to have me there? If people want the equivalent then it’s time to start putting ticket costs in the invitation.

Based on your logic, if your friend had a wedding that costed a million dollars and the price of having you there was $1500, would you give them that in the wishing well?

Alexandra Craig said :

Mysteryman said :

watto23 said :

dungfungus said :

What is “the wishing well”?
I am guessing it is a trendy way of the bride and groom saying “don’t give us a toaster; we want cash”.

Aah yes they have everything, the lucky buggers, but you know as we have everything cash would be handy so we can spend it on all the things we have already.

I find wishing wells incredibly rude and when I put money in one I do it in an anonymous envelope. I tell others to do the same. .

Why is it so offensive to you? Do you have insecurities about money? Are you afraid the hosts will think you’re stingy?

I can understand newlyweds asking for money. Many of them have lived together before being married and have most of the items that would have been considered perfect wedding gifts 20 or 30 years ago. Do you feel they should just accept duplicates and triplicates of items they already have, rather than offend you by suggesting that you give them money instead (money that you would have just spent on a gift anyway)? Perhaps they are saving for a house deposit and intend to use the gifted money to pay for a honeymoon? Surely that’s more sensible then setting up a gift registry for items they don’t need. As a guest, I’d rather give money. It means they bride and groom get what they want (it’s their wedding anyway) and I don’t have to traipse around the mall for an hour or two trying to find something to buy them.

It’s standard practice in many Asian cultures that money is the only gift given at weddings. There’s even a registry at the front of the reception where guests drop their money off, and the amount is recorded next to their name. Nobody gets wound up about it. It’s just how it’s done. People give what they can afford or what they feel is appropriate, and move on to enjoying the feast. It’s no big deal. I don’t see what it should be a problem in our culture.

I don’t know about everyone else but that’s pretty much the reason I don’t like them. Not because I have insecurities about money, but because I don’t know how much is expected at these things. Nor do I know how much everyone else is contributing. I went to a wedding once with one of these wishing wells, I only knew two other people at the wedding so we couldn’t ask other guests in advance what to contribute. I can’t remember what we put in now.

My thing is, if you already have everything for your house you don’t *need* money. If you want a honeymoon then spend less on your wedding. If you can’t pay for your wedding then invite less people or hire a cheaper venue. It just seems greedy to me. I would rather people donate to charity.

I think the exact opposite is true.

The hosts are putting on an event and really want to spend the day with you. Therefore, I see the wishing well as a way of paying for my ticket to the event and all the food and drink I’m going to have whilst celebrating with them. It allows them to have the day they want.

Saying to invite less people or hire a cheaper venue is just silly, it’s their day and they can do as they please. An invitation to a wedding is not a summons and you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.

In the wishing well, you give whatever you want or can afford. If the bride and groom are your friends then they won’t care about the amount and will take the gift in the spirit it’s given. If they’re that pretentious that there is a “correct” or “minimum” amount, then perhaps they’re not the kind of people you want to be hanging around with anyway?

Oh yes, they do get expensive !
But that is because of our ego to not wear anything again and to look better than others .
From another point of view, wedding does not comes every other Sunday . So, being there on a person’s special day isn’t expensive even if it costs me those extra dollars .
personal opinions though

Alexandra Craig said :

I buy practical gifts (things that they actually need) for people’s birthdays. And I ask the same of my family. The last few Christmases and birthdays I genuinely have not needed anything, so I’ve told my family not to get me anything, donate it to charity instead. The exception to this being the most recent Christmas where my mum insisted on getting me a gift so I asked her for a new toasted and kettle because the 15 year old ones I had were probably on their way out.

The vibe I get from weddings is that guests are very much expected to give money in a wishing well and as others have raised in the comments, giving money directly puts pressure on people moreso than what a gift does.

As for giving enough for them to cover the cost of having me there, no way. That’s not a thing. If you invite someone to your wedding you should be happy to pay for them to be there. I would never, ever expect someone to pay their own way to go to my wedding.

Giving money puts NO more financial pressure on anyone than a gift – which people like you seem to be fine with. There is no more social pressure, either. If you want to build irrational arguments as to why one is so drastically different than the other, then go for it. But that pressure is coming from you. Nobody else.

What it sounds like you’re really saying is “either *I* buy you a present that *I* think you need, or you get nothing at all…but I’ll still come to your wedding and eat, and drink”. Covering the cost of having you there in absence of you being able to figure out a budget is “not a thing”, hey? You seem to be well and truly supporting my earlier point about selfishness. I’m glad I don’t have many friends who think like that.

No I don’t care.

I do care that many in society are continuing to lose sight of what’s important in life.

Alexandra Craig said :

Mysteryman said :

dungfungus said :

If you have been living together before “the wedding”, what is the point (apart from posting inane details on social media) in going on a honeymoon?
And they give money at Asian weddings?
So, what?

*So* the problem isn’t the people asking for money, it’s the people with the irrational hang-ups about giving it.

I think it’s stupid that people don’t think twice about buying something from a gift registry, where the price is clearly marked next to the item, and often their names are recorded as the purchaser. The bride and groom will know exactly how much was spent and by who. But giving a sum of money is too difficult or offensive for them to accommodate…? That makes no sense.

Also, the honeymoon for the couples you described would be a holiday and the celebration of a momentous event.

Honestly, it’s sounding more like many of the people opposed to giving money are just being selfish about it.

Alexandra Craig said :

I don’t know about everyone else but that’s pretty much the reason I don’t like them. Not because I have insecurities about money, but because I don’t know how much is expected at these things. Nor do I know how much everyone else is contributing. I went to a wedding once with one of these wishing wells, I only knew two other people at the wedding so we couldn’t ask other guests in advance what to contribute. I can’t remember what we put in now.

My thing is, if you already have everything for your house you don’t *need* money. If you want a honeymoon then spend less on your wedding. If you can’t pay for your wedding then invite less people or hire a cheaper venue. It just seems greedy to me. I would rather people donate to charity.

So I take it you only give birthday presents to people who *need* them? Better not buy anything for Mum this mother’s day unless she absolutely *needs* it. I remember a time when gifts were a selfless gesture intended to benefit the recipient, not the giver…

Practically speaking, though, I doubt many couple have an “expected” amount in their minds. Give what you can, and what you’re comfortable with. You would do the exact same thing if you were given a gift registry to buy from – you’d look over the list, and pick an item that fit into your budget. It’s not a difficult concept. If removing a physical purchase from the equation is really making it so difficult to come up with a budget, and you feel obliged to give even though you don’t want to, then just give enough to cover the per-person amount it would have cost them to have you there.

I buy practical gifts (things that they actually need) for people’s birthdays. And I ask the same of my family. The last few Christmases and birthdays I genuinely have not needed anything, so I’ve told my family not to get me anything, donate it to charity instead. The exception to this being the most recent Christmas where my mum insisted on getting me a gift so I asked her for a new toasted and kettle because the 15 year old ones I had were probably on their way out.

The vibe I get from weddings is that guests are very much expected to give money in a wishing well and as others have raised in the comments, giving money directly puts pressure on people moreso than what a gift does.

As for giving enough for them to cover the cost of having me there, no way. That’s not a thing. If you invite someone to your wedding you should be happy to pay for them to be there. I would never, ever expect someone to pay their own way to go to my wedding.

Wow in my family and friends we ask people what they want and buy it for them as we can all usually buy things we need. Its a much better system.
we havent looked at the cards we have recieived yet but we spent a lot on things so its extremely unlikely that the majority of people covered there costof having them – ill sell the table decorations for that. But everyonereally enjoyed the wedding and I’m married now.
(Jumping castles are so worth it and the bowls of lego were enjoyed by most. Everyone loved the minifigures)
I noticed very few outfits of guests but those who went in theme (colourful and bright) or especially wore dresses with pink (my fave colour so a few close friends did it for me) in it were appriciated.

Mysteryman said :

dungfungus said :

If you have been living together before “the wedding”, what is the point (apart from posting inane details on social media) in going on a honeymoon?
And they give money at Asian weddings?
So, what?

*So* the problem isn’t the people asking for money, it’s the people with the irrational hang-ups about giving it.

I think it’s stupid that people don’t think twice about buying something from a gift registry, where the price is clearly marked next to the item, and often their names are recorded as the purchaser. The bride and groom will know exactly how much was spent and by who. But giving a sum of money is too difficult or offensive for them to accommodate…? That makes no sense.

Also, the honeymoon for the couples you described would be a holiday and the celebration of a momentous event.

Honestly, it’s sounding more like many of the people opposed to giving money are just being selfish about it.

Alexandra Craig said :

I don’t know about everyone else but that’s pretty much the reason I don’t like them. Not because I have insecurities about money, but because I don’t know how much is expected at these things. Nor do I know how much everyone else is contributing. I went to a wedding once with one of these wishing wells, I only knew two other people at the wedding so we couldn’t ask other guests in advance what to contribute. I can’t remember what we put in now.

My thing is, if you already have everything for your house you don’t *need* money. If you want a honeymoon then spend less on your wedding. If you can’t pay for your wedding then invite less people or hire a cheaper venue. It just seems greedy to me. I would rather people donate to charity.

So I take it you only give birthday presents to people who *need* them? Better not buy anything for Mum this mother’s day unless she absolutely *needs* it. I remember a time when gifts were a selfless gesture intended to benefit the recipient, not the giver…

Practically speaking, though, I doubt many couple have an “expected” amount in their minds. Give what you can, and what you’re comfortable with. You would do the exact same thing if you were given a gift registry to buy from – you’d look over the list, and pick an item that fit into your budget. It’s not a difficult concept. If removing a physical purchase from the equation is really making it so difficult to come up with a budget, and you feel obliged to give even though you don’t want to, then just give enough to cover the per-person amount it would have cost them to have you there.

I buy practical gifts (things that they actually need) for people’s birthdays. And I ask the same of my family. The last few Christmases and birthdays I genuinely have not needed anything, so I’ve told my family not to get me anything, donate it to charity instead. The exception to this being the most recent Christmas where my mum insisted on getting me a gift so I asked her for a new toasted and kettle because the 15 year old ones I had were probably on their way out.

The vibe I get from weddings is that guests are very much expected to give money in a wishing well and as others have raised in the comments, giving money directly puts pressure on people moreso than what a gift does.

As for giving enough for them to cover the cost of having me there, no way. That’s not a thing. If you invite someone to your wedding you should be happy to pay for them to be there. I would never, ever expect someone to pay their own way to go to my wedding.

Mysteryman said :

dungfungus said :

If you have been living together before “the wedding”, what is the point (apart from posting inane details on social media) in going on a honeymoon?
And they give money at Asian weddings?
So, what?

*So* the problem isn’t the people asking for money, it’s the people with the irrational hang-ups about giving it.

I think it’s stupid that people don’t think twice about buying something from a gift registry, where the price is clearly marked next to the item, and often their names are recorded as the purchaser. The bride and groom will know exactly how much was spent and by who. But giving a sum of money is too difficult or offensive for them to accommodate…? That makes no sense.

Also, the honeymoon for the couples you described would be a holiday and the celebration of a momentous event.

Honestly, it’s sounding more like many of the people opposed to giving money are just being selfish about it.

Alexandra Craig said :

I don’t know about everyone else but that’s pretty much the reason I don’t like them. Not because I have insecurities about money, but because I don’t know how much is expected at these things. Nor do I know how much everyone else is contributing. I went to a wedding once with one of these wishing wells, I only knew two other people at the wedding so we couldn’t ask other guests in advance what to contribute. I can’t remember what we put in now.

My thing is, if you already have everything for your house you don’t *need* money. If you want a honeymoon then spend less on your wedding. If you can’t pay for your wedding then invite less people or hire a cheaper venue. It just seems greedy to me. I would rather people donate to charity.

So I take it you only give birthday presents to people who *need* them? Better not buy anything for Mum this mother’s day unless she absolutely *needs* it. I remember a time when gifts were a selfless gesture intended to benefit the recipient, not the giver…

Practically speaking, though, I doubt many couple have an “expected” amount in their minds. Give what you can, and what you’re comfortable with. You would do the exact same thing if you were given a gift registry to buy from – you’d look over the list, and pick an item that fit into your budget. It’s not a difficult concept. If removing a physical purchase from the equation is really making it so difficult to come up with a budget, and you feel obliged to give even though you don’t want to, then just give enough to cover the per-person amount it would have cost them to have you there.

“Also, the honeymoon for the couples you described would be a holiday and the celebration of a momentous event.”
A recent survey revealed that the greatest cause of divorce is marriage.

@Alexandra Craig, If your reason for not liking wishing wells is because you don’t know how much to give, then surely that would be the same as figuring out the budget on a gift. So whats the difference?

A good reason against wishing wells is because you would rather give something more tangible and personalised so that when you visit the newlyweds you can say “oh doesn’t that toaster look wonderful?”

You can’t really say that about a crowd funded honey moon.

I’ve spent close to $1000 as a wedding guest, and that’s without buying anything new for the wedding, not getting a fake tan and doing my own makeup, hair etc. By the time you buy engagement party gifts, kitchen tea gifts, wedding gifts and attend the hen’s night (which are becoming ridiculous these days), there’s not much change left over from $1000 – and that’s assuming that you don’t have to travel interstate or overseas for the wedding and reception.

While you can save money by doing certain things yourself and re-using outfits, there are heaps of expenses like the above that just can’t be avoided.

dungfungus said :

If you have been living together before “the wedding”, what is the point (apart from posting inane details on social media) in going on a honeymoon?
And they give money at Asian weddings?
So, what?

*So* the problem isn’t the people asking for money, it’s the people with the irrational hang-ups about giving it.

I think it’s stupid that people don’t think twice about buying something from a gift registry, where the price is clearly marked next to the item, and often their names are recorded as the purchaser. The bride and groom will know exactly how much was spent and by who. But giving a sum of money is too difficult or offensive for them to accommodate…? That makes no sense.

Also, the honeymoon for the couples you described would be a holiday and the celebration of a momentous event.

Honestly, it’s sounding more like many of the people opposed to giving money are just being selfish about it.

Alexandra Craig said :

I don’t know about everyone else but that’s pretty much the reason I don’t like them. Not because I have insecurities about money, but because I don’t know how much is expected at these things. Nor do I know how much everyone else is contributing. I went to a wedding once with one of these wishing wells, I only knew two other people at the wedding so we couldn’t ask other guests in advance what to contribute. I can’t remember what we put in now.

My thing is, if you already have everything for your house you don’t *need* money. If you want a honeymoon then spend less on your wedding. If you can’t pay for your wedding then invite less people or hire a cheaper venue. It just seems greedy to me. I would rather people donate to charity.

So I take it you only give birthday presents to people who *need* them? Better not buy anything for Mum this mother’s day unless she absolutely *needs* it. I remember a time when gifts were a selfless gesture intended to benefit the recipient, not the giver…

Practically speaking, though, I doubt many couple have an “expected” amount in their minds. Give what you can, and what you’re comfortable with. You would do the exact same thing if you were given a gift registry to buy from – you’d look over the list, and pick an item that fit into your budget. It’s not a difficult concept. If removing a physical purchase from the equation is really making it so difficult to come up with a budget, and you feel obliged to give even though you don’t want to, then just give enough to cover the per-person amount it would have cost them to have you there.

Very clever little piece. Next time I reckon you’ll be getting a few of those services gratis. Either that or Riotact will be tapping them up for some advertising!

Mysteryman said :

You could have gone to the wedding without spending more than the cost of the gift and the petrol to get there. But you chose not to.

This sums it up well.

If you want to spend $400 on yourself then I have no issue with that (clearly you’re well-heeled enough to afford it), but this has nothing to do with a wedding. Hope you enjoyed the preparations and the day!

Mysteryman said :

watto23 said :

dungfungus said :

What is “the wishing well”?
I am guessing it is a trendy way of the bride and groom saying “don’t give us a toaster; we want cash”.

Aah yes they have everything, the lucky buggers, but you know as we have everything cash would be handy so we can spend it on all the things we have already.

I find wishing wells incredibly rude and when I put money in one I do it in an anonymous envelope. I tell others to do the same. .

Why is it so offensive to you? Do you have insecurities about money? Are you afraid the hosts will think you’re stingy?

I can understand newlyweds asking for money. Many of them have lived together before being married and have most of the items that would have been considered perfect wedding gifts 20 or 30 years ago. Do you feel they should just accept duplicates and triplicates of items they already have, rather than offend you by suggesting that you give them money instead (money that you would have just spent on a gift anyway)? Perhaps they are saving for a house deposit and intend to use the gifted money to pay for a honeymoon? Surely that’s more sensible then setting up a gift registry for items they don’t need. As a guest, I’d rather give money. It means they bride and groom get what they want (it’s their wedding anyway) and I don’t have to traipse around the mall for an hour or two trying to find something to buy them.

It’s standard practice in many Asian cultures that money is the only gift given at weddings. There’s even a registry at the front of the reception where guests drop their money off, and the amount is recorded next to their name. Nobody gets wound up about it. It’s just how it’s done. People give what they can afford or what they feel is appropriate, and move on to enjoying the feast. It’s no big deal. I don’t see what it should be a problem in our culture.

I don’t know about everyone else but that’s pretty much the reason I don’t like them. Not because I have insecurities about money, but because I don’t know how much is expected at these things. Nor do I know how much everyone else is contributing. I went to a wedding once with one of these wishing wells, I only knew two other people at the wedding so we couldn’t ask other guests in advance what to contribute. I can’t remember what we put in now.

My thing is, if you already have everything for your house you don’t *need* money. If you want a honeymoon then spend less on your wedding. If you can’t pay for your wedding then invite less people or hire a cheaper venue. It just seems greedy to me. I would rather people donate to charity.

Mysteryman said :

watto23 said :

dungfungus said :

What is “the wishing well”?
I am guessing it is a trendy way of the bride and groom saying “don’t give us a toaster; we want cash”.

Aah yes they have everything, the lucky buggers, but you know as we have everything cash would be handy so we can spend it on all the things we have already.

I find wishing wells incredibly rude and when I put money in one I do it in an anonymous envelope. I tell others to do the same. .

Why is it so offensive to you? Do you have insecurities about money? Are you afraid the hosts will think you’re stingy?

I can understand newlyweds asking for money. Many of them have lived together before being married and have most of the items that would have been considered perfect wedding gifts 20 or 30 years ago. Do you feel they should just accept duplicates and triplicates of items they already have, rather than offend you by suggesting that you give them money instead (money that you would have just spent on a gift anyway)? Perhaps they are saving for a house deposit and intend to use the gifted money to pay for a honeymoon? Surely that’s more sensible then setting up a gift registry for items they don’t need. As a guest, I’d rather give money. It means they bride and groom get what they want (it’s their wedding anyway) and I don’t have to traipse around the mall for an hour or two trying to find something to buy them.

It’s standard practice in many Asian cultures that money is the only gift given at weddings. There’s even a registry at the front of the reception where guests drop their money off, and the amount is recorded next to their name. Nobody gets wound up about it. It’s just how it’s done. People give what they can afford or what they feel is appropriate, and move on to enjoying the feast. It’s no big deal. I don’t see what it should be a problem in our culture.

If you have been living together before “the wedding”, what is the point (apart from posting inane details on social media) in going on a honeymoon?
And they give money at Asian weddings?
So, what?

watto23 said :

dungfungus said :

What is “the wishing well”?
I am guessing it is a trendy way of the bride and groom saying “don’t give us a toaster; we want cash”.

Aah yes they have everything, the lucky buggers, but you know as we have everything cash would be handy so we can spend it on all the things we have already.

I find wishing wells incredibly rude and when I put money in one I do it in an anonymous envelope. I tell others to do the same. .

Why is it so offensive to you? Do you have insecurities about money? Are you afraid the hosts will think you’re stingy?

I can understand newlyweds asking for money. Many of them have lived together before being married and have most of the items that would have been considered perfect wedding gifts 20 or 30 years ago. Do you feel they should just accept duplicates and triplicates of items they already have, rather than offend you by suggesting that you give them money instead (money that you would have just spent on a gift anyway)? Perhaps they are saving for a house deposit and intend to use the gifted money to pay for a honeymoon? Surely that’s more sensible then setting up a gift registry for items they don’t need. As a guest, I’d rather give money. It means they bride and groom get what they want (it’s their wedding anyway) and I don’t have to traipse around the mall for an hour or two trying to find something to buy them.

It’s standard practice in many Asian cultures that money is the only gift given at weddings. There’s even a registry at the front of the reception where guests drop their money off, and the amount is recorded next to their name. Nobody gets wound up about it. It’s just how it’s done. People give what they can afford or what they feel is appropriate, and move on to enjoying the feast. It’s no big deal. I don’t see what it should be a problem in our culture.

dungfungus said :

What is “the wishing well”?
I am guessing it is a trendy way of the bride and groom saying “don’t give us a toaster; we want cash”.

Aah yes they have everything, the lucky buggers, but you know as we have everything cash would be handy so we can spend it on all the things we have already.

I find wishing wells incredibly rude and when I put money in one I do it in an anonymous envelope. I tell others to do the same. To make thing worse I have been asked in the past as to what I gave so they can customise my thank you letter……. or just find out how much I gave them, cause lets face it, a thank you letter with the value of the cash i gave you is less meaningful than a heartfelt thanks for making their wedding day special, unless the goal of the wedding was to gather as much cash as possible from everyone they knew….

But yeah $300 is way over the top IMO. I’ve also been asked to pay for the wedding to cover costs and they charged everyone the same amount and also said absolutely no gifts as well. I didn’t attend that one, but often that means people still give gifts on top.

People just want everything and I guess for many a wedding is once in a lifetime. So either save up for it or find affordable ways to make it memorable. Most memories I have of weddings regard the people and rarely ever the meal, sometimes the venue, but often the best venues are not the expensive ones.

fabforty said :

Weddings are only too expensive for guests when those guests spend almost $400 on their own appearance.

Postalgeek said :

haha. If that’s what you spend to attend other people’s weddings without even travel expenses I imagine you’re going to be taking out a mortgage for your own wedding.

What happened to a bit of lippy and what you already had in the closet? Sounds wholly self-inflicted.

Bingo.

$300 for the wishing well ($150 each)
$150 for the dress
$20 for an eyebrow wax at Soma Day Spa
$25 for a spray tan
$85 for make up, plus the extra cash I spent on impulse purchases while in store
$110 for hair

Honestly, none of those expenses were necessarily. I’m willing to bet you had dresses in your possession that you could have worn. I’m also willing to bet that you know how to do your own makeup and have your own makeup. And a spray tan? Hardly seems important.

You could have gone to the wedding without spending more than the cost of the gift and the petrol to get there. But you chose not to.

neanderthalsis said :

Weddings are about sharing joy with two people as they declare their love and commitment, not about a competition on who spent the most.

Agreed. But weddings these days do seem to mostly be about how much you spent and what food you had and how that was better than your other friends wedding and then you spend the amount you could put down on a house just to say your wedding was so much ‘better’ than everyone else’s.

goodness me. I have a couple of nice outfits and they get recycled depending on the event. If my best friend got married tomorrow I wouldn’t go out and buy a new frock.

The fake tan and eyebrows were for you. While you may have thought you looked good, nobody in their right mind is going to really care whether you’re ala natural or tandoori chicken coloured or somewhere in between. And aren’t you capable of globbing on a bit of your own make up? what’s the difference between a wedding and dolling yourself up for any other special event.

I would’ve chucked in $150 for the present and DIY presentation. And I bet I can looks as schmick as your $700. But each to their own.

That is a LOT of money to spend on attending a wedding if you are not a part of the bridal party. Can I suggest if you have $700 to spare you consider making regular donations to a charity?

On another note, I absolutely hate this idea that has taken hold that guests should pay the bride and groom for their seats at the wedding through the wishing well. The bride and groom should be having the wedding they can afford and not expecting guests to effectively pay for the reception for them. Guests are there to witness, spend time with and generally wish the happy couple well, not to pay for the reception.

If the bride and groom don’t need gifts then they most likely don’t need a wishing well either. How about just being grateful that all your friends and family made the effort to be with you on your day?

I got married yesterday and spent less on hair makeup and apparently less time having it done than you did as a guest at a wedding. 90 minutes for hair and make up.
Just buy 3 or 4 quality dresses to cycle though it will get you each group of friends. And if the same friends are close enough to see you in the same dress multiple times they wont care. Buy good shoes that you can rewear. I have 2 pairs of shoes that go with most things (one$ 50 and one $160 both bm shoes). If you care that much about make up learn to do it well with good quality products not how cleo is selling this month. Quality not quanity.

People do wishing wells because they generally have a house with with everything they need already. We did a honeymoon registery because we have been living together for a long time and have a house already full of stuff. There were 3 items we wanted if we did a gift registery and one of those was a unnecessary puzzle board. We received many gifts in kind. Like a mate stated they couldn’t afford a gift but offered to assist us by helping with stuff we werent good at or needed we were super grateful. But mostly we wanted our friends to attend our wedding rather than give us gifts. People also want to give gifts so if you dont say what you get items anyway -gift registerys were designed to stop multiple gifts of the same thing.

We got married last year, and it cost us just shy of 10k – the reception was about half of that cost.

We had a wishing well (mainly to avoid getting a bunch of appliances and homeware that we didn’t need), which did help ‘recoup’ the costs, so to speak.

I’ve also had the pleasure of attending a handful of weddings for good friends over the last few years, and on each occasion the gift has been the most expensive outlay – they all had wishing wells too. My other half and I both tend to wear something we already own. It’s pretty easy to attend a wedding on a budget.

Wow – leaving aside the topic, for someone who reviews pancakes for part of her living you are remarkably slender! : )

Phew! I thought it was just me that was rendered speechless (typeless perhaps?) and trying to find a polite way to say what others have said. My only additional comment is that it seems that your partner took one for the team by ‘recycling’ his suit. Well done, Mike.

What is “the wishing well”?
I am guessing it is a trendy way of the bride and groom saying “don’t give us a toaster; we want cash”.
I can’t believe any woman could pass up the opportunity to buy a new pair of shoes for a wedding, so what did you wear in the end?

haha. If that’s what you spend to attend other people’s weddings without even travel expenses I imagine you’re going to be taking out a mortgage for your own wedding.

What happened to a bit of lippy and what you already had in the closet? Sounds wholly self-inflicted.

I would have only assumed that weddings are expensive for the guest if they have to travel a significant distance for it. But that’s because I always do my own hair and makeup. I usually buy a new dress but I try and recycle shoes and jewellery from past occasions. I’m with you on the wishing well thing, I hate wishing wells. Just everything about them, I hate it so much. If I ever get married, I won’t “need” gifts (I say “need” referring to the good old days when people used to get things they actually needed like home appliances etc) so I’m just going to select a couple of charities and ask people that they donate to them. 🙂

Weddings are only too expensive for guests when those guests spend almost $400 on their own appearance.

Weddings are about sharing joy with two people as they declare their love and commitment, not about a competition on who spent the most. And I hope your newly wed friends don’t read your whinge on here.

My views:

1. If you’re worried about the expense, you could just not go;

2. Don’t buy a new dress (why can’t many women wear the same dress twice), DIY hair, make up, go without a spray tan;

3. $300 seems a little over the top as a gift.