From the keepsakes you’re buried with to the music played at the service and food at your wake, planning your own funeral can be a profound act of love. Photo: Kinek00.
Imagine writing your own eulogy, not out of vanity, but to spare your loved ones the burden. For a growing number of people, planning their own funeral isn’t morbid – it’s a final act of love, agency and even creativity.
Plenty not only plan their own funerals, but pay for them in advance.
William Cole Funerals manager Judy Cole says for a grief-stricken family, this labour of love can be the greatest final gift a person can give.
“The overwhelming response we get from the loved ones of people who have prearranged, pre-paid, or simply had a conversation about their funeral wishes, is that it’s a huge relief to know what that person wants,” she says.
“That removes the burden of a heavy decision that needs to be made at what is overwhelmingly the hardest time to go through.”
There has been growing momentum in the “death positivity” movement in Australia. But while the latest Australian Funeral Industry report indicates 90 per cent want to plan their own funeral, only one in five Australians are making good on this.
Judy suspects the reason for this low conversion rate is an age-old barrier.
“Death is a confronting topic for most people. Discussions about our own mortality make us uncomfortable, even though we know it’s inevitable,” she says.
“Some time ago my nanna died quite suddenly, and as an only child my mother had not the faintest idea what my nanna wanted because she had always flatly refused to discuss it. It really stuck with me, watching my mum go through that struggle within herself.
“My greatest fear is death because I don’t ever want to leave my family. But I have made sure my children and husband are very aware of what I want. It makes me uncomfortable talking about it, but working in this industry and seeing what I see families deal with, I know the peace I’m going to give them outweighs that discomfort and fear.”
Judy Cole says funerals should not be copy-paste, and discussing your wishes can be a big help for remaining loved ones. Photo: Michelle Kroll.
If you’re finding it hard to transcend these barriers enough to plan your funeral, Judy says a simple conversation around whether you prefer burial or cremation is already a huge help for your loved ones.
From there, family members can — and do — plan in any level of detail they wish, from the basics down to the minutest of details.
“We sit with clients, go through their wishes and keep them on file. If those wishes change as you get older, as they often do, you can update them,” Judy says.
A basic checklist can be provided as a good starting point, but Judy says it’s a good idea to come up with two lists – your “non-negotiables” and your blue sky “nice to haves”.
She says most requests are doable. If it feels right, personality and creativity are even encouraged. Over the years Judy has seen the spectrum of beautiful, creative and whimsical funeral elements that she says can give remaining loved ones a place to put their grief, in a way only the deceased can.
“We once had someone get a coffin they decorated for themselves, which is unusual,” she says.
“Another woman wanted a V8 4WD instead of a hearse. When she died her family found these instructions, and asked around if they could hire one for the purpose, but couldn’t. One of our staff has one and he lent it to them.
“Every funeral we do is unique. They may all share basic features, but it shouldn’t be copy-paste. Making your wishes known is a big help with that.”
Pre-paying – whether upfront or in instalments over a number of years – is far from a requirement. But it comes with its benefits, not the least of which is that you lock in the costs regardless of when death occurs. While non-refundable, they are transferable.
But if you can’t afford pre-payment, Judy advises holding off rather than getting into debt and to approach insurance with great caution.
“There are some real horror stories around people taking insurance,” she says.
“Sure, it can take the financial burden off families. But they start off paying these small amounts and then the premiums climb, such that people can end up paying a ridiculous amount of money, thousands and thousands more than the actual cost of the service.”
For more information, contact William Cole Funerals.
