Parental alienation can have lasting negative impacts on a child’s emotional and psychological well-being. Photo: Elena Goncharova.
“I don’t want to see Dad anymore — he never loved us.”
Words like these, spoken by a child too young to understand the complexities of adult relationships, often signal something more troubling than a fractured bond — they can mark the presence of parental alienation.
In family law, alienation occurs when one parent turns a child against the other without a legitimate reason. It’s an act that’s becoming increasingly common, according to Nicholls Anzani Law partner Ana Anzani.
Ana, who specialises in highly complex parenting matters under which alienation falls, says in these emotionally fraught situations, alienation can occur even unwittingly.
“There are unfortunate situations where a parent is unintentionally alienating their child. Separation can be the most challenging time of a person’s life, and that is why a lot can be gained through seeking immediate advice — legal and therapeutic — to find a pathway forward to separate your role as a partner from a parent in order to ensure the least harm is caused to your child,” she says.
Experts widely consider alienation a form of emotional abuse, with lasting effects on children, parents and families.
“There are psychological studies that show that alienated children are more prone to mental health difficulties, addiction, substance abuse and an inability to maintain healthy relationships later in life,” Ana says.
“If you’re saying to your child, ‘Your dad or mum is hopeless, they’ll amount to nothing’ – you’re forgetting that half of that child’s DNA is that other parent. So it’s a sort of assault on their identity.”
Alienation should not be confused with estrangement — when a child withdraws from a parent for legitimate reasons, often due to abuse or the parent’s inability to meet the child’s emotional needs — nor with enmeshment, where blurred boundaries cause a child to side closely with one parent.
“I am seeing more cases of estrangement, particularly where we have progressed as a society in acknowledging the presence of family violence, and it is important to understand the difference between alienation and estrangement,” Ana says.
“The differences between alienation and estrangement can be very subtle. Whilst I find the increase of alienation cases concerning, I am equally concerned about the false allegations of alienation without any evidentiary grounding.”
Deliberate alienation, Ana explains, is often driven by unresolved anger, a desire for control, or a deep need to punish the other parent, where the child becomes the battleground.
“Someone can be a terrible partner but a good parent. Alienating parents often can’t separate the two,” Ana says. “It’s as if their hatred for their ex-partner outweighs their love for their child.”
Left unchecked, alienation can have heartbreaking consequences.
“The courts will always act in the best interests of the child. In cases where rejection is severe, even if the child has no reason to hate that parent, the courts have to exercise a balancing act of what will cause the least harm,” Ana says.
“In that case, even a good parent who would otherwise have had a great relationship with their child can lose their legal right to see their child. It’s incredibly unfortunate.
“It can and does also happen that as that child grows up, they put two and two together and realise their alienating parent effectively robbed them of a relationship with a good parent, and the whole thing backfires.
“The sad reality is, there’s no real winner in these situations.”
Ana Anzani urges parents to take a “child-centric” approach where possible. Photo: Nicholls Anzani.
Alienation, unintentional or otherwise, can have serious legal ramifications for the alienating parent.
If unintentional, the hope is that it can be addressed before it’s too late.
“We are all flawed human beings, parenting is difficult, and in these emotionally charged situations, mistakes can be made. But if you’re found in court to be alienating, you can potentially lose your custody arrangement unless you can show the court that you are willing and able to change your behaviour,” Ana says.
“If you realise you’ve been engaging in alienating behaviours, sometimes the best thing you can do is fall on your sword. Tell the courts, ‘I recognise this behaviour now, I regret it, and these are the steps I am taking to ensure it doesn’t happen again’.
“It falls to lawyers to reality test their clients, because that’s what you’re paying for. You don’t want a judge telling you something your lawyer should have — by then the damage is done and the person who loses the most is your child.”
Ana says targeted parents who suspect alienation should act quickly.
“The courts in these situations are likely to want a family report from highly trained experts to identify the underlying issues that are causing the child to reject one parent,” Ana says.
If you’re yet to enter the court system, Ana recommends mediation.
“There are, of course, exceptions like family or domestic violence, or where the matter urgently needs to be before the court, for example, sudden unilateral withholding of a child who has normally had consistent contact with that parent. Otherwise, it’s always in everyone’s interests — especially the child’s — to avoid the heavy emotional and financial toll of court,” she says.
“And, of course, always take a child-centric approach to matters where you can. Seek legal advice, but remind your child that Mum and Dad love them very much. Children should always feel loved by both parents.”
For more information, contact Nicholls Anzani.
