27 March 2015

Domestic violence - What can we do?

30 March 2015 | Radio Stew

There has been a spate of domestic violence-related crimes in the Tuggeranong area recently, including two murders. The brutality and timing of these crimes have left residents shocked.

I have been asking myself what is my part to play in reducing these sorts of crimes. I don’t pretend to have the full answer, however, here are my thoughts.

Canberra is going through some hard times with many families struggling financially. This places extra stress on people which can turn small arguments into much bigger ones.

These days people do tend to keep to themselves and we have lost a lot as a society around being a community and helping those around us. Our lifestyles make it easy to go to and from work and never see our neighbours.

How can individuals address these issues?

1. I invite men to stand up and make it clear that violence of any kind is not okay. When we see negative behaviour in our bros, we need to say something. If you’re interested, you can sign up to the White Ribbon Initiative.

2. We need to make it clear to both men and women in our community that it is okay to ask for help. Don’t let stress build up. Men often think it is a sign of weakness if they do ask for help. We all need help at times in our lives and there is nothing wrong with asking. Man Therapy is a great resource.

3. Let’s make sure women feel safe to speak up if they are suffering from abuse or feeling threatened. Add your voice.

4. Let’s socialise more in our local communities. Get to know your neighbours. Support projects like Parties at the Shops.

While these small steps won’t eliminate the issue of domestic violence, I do believe that they help communities move in the right direction.

What are your thoughts?

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dungfungus9:41 am 01 Apr 15

Now our government, always a day late and a dollar short, has its say:
http://www.canberratimes.com.au/act-news/police-minister-joy-burch-calls-for-new-approach-to-domestic-violence-in-the-act-20150331-1mc652.html

Postal2:17 am 01 Apr 15

Oh and a good comment from one of OP’s links: http://speakup.org.au/add-your-voice/

“Stop blaming violence against women on ‘men’s disempowerment’”

Postal2:09 am 01 Apr 15

How does one identify a potential partner as being likely to abuse?

The fact is many abusers start out appearing completely normal. And it is often only once relationships have been established that the real abuse and control starts coming out.

When a single incident occurs which results in a dramatic death, the public is informed. What the general public usually never sees is the systematic abuse which occurred prior to that, behind closed doors. Although it surrounds us every day.

We all know women right now who are being abused at home. Whether or not they are being bashed or murdered, they are being shouted at, degraded, dragged across the room, humiliated, on the receiving end of possessive behaviour, sexually assaulted or raped, with threats to kill, threats to suicide if she leaves, pets abused or killed, financial control, children caught in the middle, overwhelming emotional manipulation.

These women can be in your workplace. Or next to you in the supermarket queue. They may be cheery and putting on a brave face, or they may be tired and confused.

They may be the person who you look at and think ‘God, can’t she crack a smile?’ They may be serving you at the counter and they’re a bit slow and forgetful while you’re annoyed and you think they’re dumb. They may be taking a lot of sick days and are close to losing their job. They may be withdrawing from their friends and from life. They may have been putting up with too much for years, or sadly, decades.

They may have been treated poorly by their parents and have grown up not knowing any different.

They may blame themselves and think they don’t deserve any better.

He may have been so nice, how could this be happening?

They may have reached out to the police, doctors, friends, only to be disbelieved or told there is nothing that can be done.

They may be incredibly isolated, despite being surrounded by people.

They may not be able to get away because…they have nowhere else in the world to go.

Domestic abuse is about control. While female-to-male domestic abuse undoubtedly happens (and is under-reported), male-to-female abuse is known to comprise the majority of cases. It has such an impact on people’s capacity to live their lives well and contribute to society. The after-effects can continue long after the relationship has ended, with health issues, PTSD and more. Domestic abuse can affect a woman’s earning capacity across her life.

I absolutely see domestic abuse as a feminist issue, and I strongly believe that attempting to use ‘mental health’ as an explanation simply avoids facing its sheer brutality. (Ditto for blaming alcohol – abusers use alcohol as permission to attack, the alcohol doesn’t cause the abuse.)

What can we do?

– Educate school kids AND ADULTS about signs to look out for (e.g. the Love Bites schools program in NSW). Domestic abuse is not just acts of physical violence, and it reaches all social classes and backgrounds.
– Ensure ample funding for frontline services which provide real support and accommodation (without a preference for religious organisations)
– Fund legal services
– Call the police if something is going on
– Listen to them if they need support

And be kind, because you never know what someone is going through.

Radio Stew11:31 pm 31 Mar 15

Of course common sense should prevail in the situation, the point is to talk about it as males and make sure everyone is aware it is not ok. Also to let each other know it is ok to talk about it if you think you have a problem with your temper and want help.

Testfest said :

I would be very careful with your suggestion number 1 – when you say “bros” are you talking about guys that you already know? Or just random people on the street?

Going up to a random person (male or female) and informing them that their violent behaviour is unacceptable is not the safest advice I have seen on this forum – google Brendan Keilar for the reason why. Confrontation often leads to escalation.

I think a better move is to call the AFP immediately on 131 444 and report what is happening, and then film it on your phone if you can do so safely.

I would also add another point to your list:

5. Don’t ignore or trivialise male victims of domestic violence either. See http://www.oneinthree.com.au/ for more info. Let’s try and stop violence against everyone…

Testfest said :

I would be very careful with your suggestion number 1 – when you say “bros” are you talking about guys that you already know? Or just random people on the street?

Going up to a random person (male or female) and informing them that their violent behaviour is unacceptable is not the safest advice I have seen on this forum – google Brendan Keilar for the reason why. Confrontation often leads to escalation.

I think a better move is to call the AFP immediately on 131 444 and report what is happening, and then film it on your phone if you can do so safely.

I would also add another point to your list:

5. Don’t ignore or trivialise male victims of domestic violence either. See http://www.oneinthree.com.au/ for more info. Let’s try and stop violence against everyone…

Mysteryman3:42 pm 31 Mar 15

sepi said :

One woman is dying every week at the hands of their male partner.
This is far more serious than ‘men who slap their wives’.

Only a handful of people died from One-punch attacks and the law sprang into action straight away with serious sentences and the ‘coward punch’.

What are you suggesting? We already have laws against domestic violence. But it’s difficult to enforce them if victims choose not to come forward.

sepi2:41 pm 31 Mar 15

One woman is dying every week at the hands of their male partner.
This is far more serious than ‘men who slap their wives’.

Only a handful of people died from One-punch attacks and the law sprang into action straight away with serious sentences and the ‘coward punch’.

rommeldog561:23 pm 31 Mar 15

Alexandra Craig said :

As others have said; prevention is better than cure.

Boys need to be educated from an early age that violence against women is not okay. They need to be taught that rape is not okay, that giving a woman a bit of a slap around is not okay, that psychological abuse is not okay, and that they should always stand up and speak out if they see it or know of it occurring.

If you want to simplify it, boys/men should always keep this in mind: ‘Would I be okay with this if someone did it to my mum or my sister?’

Of course, the answer is always no.

Why do we always want to point the bone at just one example of what really is the much wider issue of violece in society everywhere – not just domestic viloence against females. What about the much larger issue of violence male-male ?

Ever seen a Rugby League match ? Have you seen how illegal violent actions against a player are delt with by the codes governing bodies – often pretty lightly ? What about the courts of law giving perpertrators what amounts to a slap on the wrist with a wet lettace. Perpertrators of violent actions of any sort seem to be able to just laugh it off.

Male on male violence is also increasing. You only have to walk around the streets to see guys who look agressive and project an aura of potential violence. Durgs and grog are major contributing factors.

All violence in society needs to be addressed. There is so much of it on TV, at the movies, on news reports, on video games, etc, that it seems to be the norm now. To single out violence against females – however abhorent that is – is a denial of general violence in society and the causes.

VYBerlinaV8_is_back1:06 pm 31 Mar 15

The trouble with this discussion is that it’s too narrow. What about women beating up their kids? I saw plenty of that going on when I was young, and even see it sometimes now. What about men beating up their kids? Women dishing out psychological abuse? Men slapping their wives? Teenagers hitting their mum?

This is how humans behave, unfortunately. We need to focus on education and role modelling for the sake of our kids and each other, and stop constraining this to a ‘boys need to learn…’ debate. It’s far bigger, and frankly more important, than the issue of some blokes who get drunk and hit their partner.

watto2312:03 pm 31 Mar 15

dungfungus said :

Affirmative Action Man said :

Actually there is some truth in what Dungfungus says. A couple of generations ago people generally met through Church, or social groups or sports or mutual friends & you got to know each other, your families got to know each other, you had a long engagement & got to know each other in depth so if the other party had a screw loose or a skeleton in the cupboard you would probably find out about it.

Recently a mate of mine met a woman then 3 weeks later told me he’s getting hitched. Several of us told him to wait, let the relationship develop for a few moths at least but he would not listen & got married – 6 weeks later he filed for divorce.

And people got married and raised a family. It was a good system consistent with community and Christian values of the time.
These days people move in and out of relationships like they were buying another car. There is little or no long term commitment.
I guess people these days are attracted to other people who live a similar lifestyle. If this shallow lifestyle is one of booze and drugs then inevitably it will lead to violence. If there is considered to be a “relationship” at the time then the violence is classed as “domestic”.
If there is no relationship it is called assault.
Some people posting comments believe in all cases, the woman is the “victim”. I don’t agree with that generalisation.
If one accepts a lift in a car being driven by someone who is clearly drunk and that person is injured as the result of the likely car accident, whose fault is it?
Society needs to demand alcohol be restricted and a zero tolerance drug policy is needed. I was appalled to see images of Australia’s winning ODI cricket team swilling and drooling over booze in today’s Canberra Times. What sort of a message does that convey?
I have heard anecdotally that every time the Raiders are beaten in Canberra on a Sunday the reports of domestic violence are much higher the next day.
There must be statistics available that reveal if alcohol and drugs are precursors for domestic violence and if they are, the rest isn’t rocket science.

The christian values ideal is a furphy. It appeared that way but there was also tolerance for it and women just didn’t report these things. Just like violence against other minorities was ok, under those same christian values. There was a time when islam values had no violence at all and no terrorist cults. A persons values are their own and it has little to do with any religion.

However it does seem people form relationships without any commitment these days thinking if it doesn’t work I’ll end it. The problem is in the past many women stayed married for decades and faced abuse but knew that divorcing made them look bad also. There is no real solution here, the old way of life was just as bad, but less open.

I do agree that the generalisation that have women as the sole victims is an issue. In fact it makes it harder for men in those rare instance to come forward and when they do the feminists jump up and down and claim he must have hit her first. I know a man who was in an abusive relationship and would never hit anyone yet reported to hospital on numerous occasions with blackeyes and cuts and bruises etc. The solution should focus less on the gender specifics and more on the anti-violence. that would then cover violence against children also.

Your references to sporting teams however are off the mark. Is it the best look? no its not, but the majority or people are quite capable of seeing an image of a sporting side celebrating and not go out and get drunk and commit acts of violence. The same can be said about rubbish anecdotal evidence regarding the Raiders. Its a poor excuse and bringing that into the issue is ridiculous. If one can’t use a sporting reason as to why they committed acts of violence against someone, they’ll find another reason.

Again, you may think none of this happened in the 50’s but it did. It was accepted and hidden from public view. In fact how many people will suffer if the problem was not recognised and made public? A lot more I’d think.

watto2311:52 am 31 Mar 15

Alexandra Craig said :

As others have said; prevention is better than cure.

Boys need to be educated from an early age that violence against women is not okay. They need to be taught that rape is not okay, that giving a woman a bit of a slap around is not okay, that psychological abuse is not okay, and that they should always stand up and speak out if they see it or know of it occurring.

If you want to simplify it, boys/men should always keep this in mind: ‘Would I be okay with this if someone did it to my mum or my sister?’

Of course, the answer is always no.

The issue I have with your statement is it turns domestic violence into a gender equality issue. It should never be taught as male bashing a female. Its not ok for a man to hit a woman or man and the same vice versa. While domestic violence incidents reported are generally with the female victim, its in some ways more difficult for men who are victims to seek help as such makes it even more difficult. No violence is ever ok. Any solution and education should focus on teaching everyone the same thing.

dungfungus11:00 am 31 Mar 15

Madam Cholet said :

dungfungus said :

Madam Cholet said :

frg1978 said :

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

This comment is wrong on so many levels. Prevention means raising a population that does not think that abusing their intimate partners (or anyone else for that matter) for whatever reason (drugs, culture, alcohol etc.) is ok. Not making it the women’s responsibility (as in your example) to somehow identify and avoid violent partners.
Most relationships do not start off violent, and often women can go many years with no idea that their partner is capable of such behaviour. Until the first time it happens of course. By which time there are often many barriers that prevent them from simply removing themselves from the situation.
While I am sure the intention behind your post is sincere Dungfungus, it is views like yours that have prevented this issue being addressed comprehensively in the past by shifting the responsibility onto the victim rather than the offender.

+1.

I’m afraid Mr Dungfungus that you may have finally made a comment that you can’t defend in an avalanche of Liberal statistics and whitewash.

As per the comment above, you are one of the reasons that this particular issue is only just being taken seriously. How about you look 20 years into the future anytime you make a decision and see if you can predict exactly how it’s going to work out, how you will feel and whether you will regret in any way what eventuates. Quite frankly, the general population should not have to put up with comments or ideas like this from anyone.

Would it be too hard to once in your life just accept that your thoughts are in no way close to where they should be?

You are totally out of line in saying those things.
My suggestions are based on a personal family experience whereby my mother, who was widowed at a very young age, chose the wrong suitor against the pleadings of her family and all who knew the bastard. She refused to confirm what we knew about him and even after he knocked all her teeth out and beat her to a pulp she still would not go to the police. I did but the police refused to get involved as they feared confronting the beast. I did and I can’t relate what happened after that, even though it happened 50 years ago.
If only the police had told her what to expect things may have been different.It was serious at the time and it still is as far as I am concerned as it ruined my life as well.
But you shouldn’t worry about it; just go on living in your own little bubble of bile.

I’m sorry to hear about your Mum and the awful situation you experienced. It still stands however that it was not your Mums fault for putting her trust in one person and neglecting to take on board what others advised. The fault lies with the person carrying out the assaults, the police for not getting involved and society for turning a blind eye. If it was as simple as you suggest then it would be happening wouldn’t it and women would not be in these awful positions?

I think suggesting that women try gazing into a crystal ball to see what might happen is a ludicrous suggestion. As others have suggested – educate when boys are young.

It is not “gazing into a crystal ball” when the knowledge about the risk of starting a relationship with a known abuser is passed on to the person who as fallen for him (or her).
It is called “being in denial”. For the romantics amongst us you can say “love is blind”.
How do you react when you see a “wet paint” sign?

dungfungus10:54 am 31 Mar 15

Affirmative Action Man said :

Actually there is some truth in what Dungfungus says. A couple of generations ago people generally met through Church, or social groups or sports or mutual friends & you got to know each other, your families got to know each other, you had a long engagement & got to know each other in depth so if the other party had a screw loose or a skeleton in the cupboard you would probably find out about it.

Recently a mate of mine met a woman then 3 weeks later told me he’s getting hitched. Several of us told him to wait, let the relationship develop for a few moths at least but he would not listen & got married – 6 weeks later he filed for divorce.

And people got married and raised a family. It was a good system consistent with community and Christian values of the time.
These days people move in and out of relationships like they were buying another car. There is little or no long term commitment.
I guess people these days are attracted to other people who live a similar lifestyle. If this shallow lifestyle is one of booze and drugs then inevitably it will lead to violence. If there is considered to be a “relationship” at the time then the violence is classed as “domestic”.
If there is no relationship it is called assault.
Some people posting comments believe in all cases, the woman is the “victim”. I don’t agree with that generalisation.
If one accepts a lift in a car being driven by someone who is clearly drunk and that person is injured as the result of the likely car accident, whose fault is it?
Society needs to demand alcohol be restricted and a zero tolerance drug policy is needed. I was appalled to see images of Australia’s winning ODI cricket team swilling and drooling over booze in today’s Canberra Times. What sort of a message does that convey?
I have heard anecdotally that every time the Raiders are beaten in Canberra on a Sunday the reports of domestic violence are much higher the next day.
There must be statistics available that reveal if alcohol and drugs are precursors for domestic violence and if they are, the rest isn’t rocket science.

Madam Cholet9:18 am 31 Mar 15

dungfungus said :

Madam Cholet said :

frg1978 said :

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

This comment is wrong on so many levels. Prevention means raising a population that does not think that abusing their intimate partners (or anyone else for that matter) for whatever reason (drugs, culture, alcohol etc.) is ok. Not making it the women’s responsibility (as in your example) to somehow identify and avoid violent partners.
Most relationships do not start off violent, and often women can go many years with no idea that their partner is capable of such behaviour. Until the first time it happens of course. By which time there are often many barriers that prevent them from simply removing themselves from the situation.
While I am sure the intention behind your post is sincere Dungfungus, it is views like yours that have prevented this issue being addressed comprehensively in the past by shifting the responsibility onto the victim rather than the offender.

+1.

I’m afraid Mr Dungfungus that you may have finally made a comment that you can’t defend in an avalanche of Liberal statistics and whitewash.

As per the comment above, you are one of the reasons that this particular issue is only just being taken seriously. How about you look 20 years into the future anytime you make a decision and see if you can predict exactly how it’s going to work out, how you will feel and whether you will regret in any way what eventuates. Quite frankly, the general population should not have to put up with comments or ideas like this from anyone.

Would it be too hard to once in your life just accept that your thoughts are in no way close to where they should be?

You are totally out of line in saying those things.
My suggestions are based on a personal family experience whereby my mother, who was widowed at a very young age, chose the wrong suitor against the pleadings of her family and all who knew the bastard. She refused to confirm what we knew about him and even after he knocked all her teeth out and beat her to a pulp she still would not go to the police. I did but the police refused to get involved as they feared confronting the beast. I did and I can’t relate what happened after that, even though it happened 50 years ago.
If only the police had told her what to expect things may have been different.It was serious at the time and it still is as far as I am concerned as it ruined my life as well.
But you shouldn’t worry about it; just go on living in your own little bubble of bile.

I’m sorry to hear about your Mum and the awful situation you experienced. It still stands however that it was not your Mums fault for putting her trust in one person and neglecting to take on board what others advised. The fault lies with the person carrying out the assaults, the police for not getting involved and society for turning a blind eye. If it was as simple as you suggest then it would be happening wouldn’t it and women would not be in these awful positions?

I think suggesting that women try gazing into a crystal ball to see what might happen is a ludicrous suggestion. As others have suggested – educate when boys are young.

dungfungus5:29 pm 30 Mar 15

Madam Cholet said :

frg1978 said :

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

This comment is wrong on so many levels. Prevention means raising a population that does not think that abusing their intimate partners (or anyone else for that matter) for whatever reason (drugs, culture, alcohol etc.) is ok. Not making it the women’s responsibility (as in your example) to somehow identify and avoid violent partners.
Most relationships do not start off violent, and often women can go many years with no idea that their partner is capable of such behaviour. Until the first time it happens of course. By which time there are often many barriers that prevent them from simply removing themselves from the situation.
While I am sure the intention behind your post is sincere Dungfungus, it is views like yours that have prevented this issue being addressed comprehensively in the past by shifting the responsibility onto the victim rather than the offender.

+1.

I’m afraid Mr Dungfungus that you may have finally made a comment that you can’t defend in an avalanche of Liberal statistics and whitewash.

As per the comment above, you are one of the reasons that this particular issue is only just being taken seriously. How about you look 20 years into the future anytime you make a decision and see if you can predict exactly how it’s going to work out, how you will feel and whether you will regret in any way what eventuates. Quite frankly, the general population should not have to put up with comments or ideas like this from anyone.

Would it be too hard to once in your life just accept that your thoughts are in no way close to where they should be?

You are totally out of line in saying those things.
My suggestions are based on a personal family experience whereby my mother, who was widowed at a very young age, chose the wrong suitor against the pleadings of her family and all who knew the bastard. She refused to confirm what we knew about him and even after he knocked all her teeth out and beat her to a pulp she still would not go to the police. I did but the police refused to get involved as they feared confronting the beast. I did and I can’t relate what happened after that, even though it happened 50 years ago.
If only the police had told her what to expect things may have been different.It was serious at the time and it still is as far as I am concerned as it ruined my life as well.
But you shouldn’t worry about it; just go on living in your own little bubble of bile.

Madam Cholet3:28 pm 30 Mar 15

frg1978 said :

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

This comment is wrong on so many levels. Prevention means raising a population that does not think that abusing their intimate partners (or anyone else for that matter) for whatever reason (drugs, culture, alcohol etc.) is ok. Not making it the women’s responsibility (as in your example) to somehow identify and avoid violent partners.
Most relationships do not start off violent, and often women can go many years with no idea that their partner is capable of such behaviour. Until the first time it happens of course. By which time there are often many barriers that prevent them from simply removing themselves from the situation.
While I am sure the intention behind your post is sincere Dungfungus, it is views like yours that have prevented this issue being addressed comprehensively in the past by shifting the responsibility onto the victim rather than the offender.

+1.

I’m afraid Mr Dungfungus that you may have finally made a comment that you can’t defend in an avalanche of Liberal statistics and whitewash.

As per the comment above, you are one of the reasons that this particular issue is only just being taken seriously. How about you look 20 years into the future anytime you make a decision and see if you can predict exactly how it’s going to work out, how you will feel and whether you will regret in any way what eventuates. Quite frankly, the general population should not have to put up with comments or ideas like this from anyone.

Would it be too hard to once in your life just accept that your thoughts are in no way close to where they should be?

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