Making Christmas calm, clear and joyful when families live in two homes takes planning – and plenty of heart. Photo: JohnnyGreig.
For separated families, December brings the annual challenge of stitching together something festive from two households, many emotions and one shared goal: giving the kids a good Christmas.
Psychologist Rachel Brace says making everyone feel at home, whatever that home looks like, is a delicate art made harder by holiday pressures – a challenge not unique to separated families.
“Christmas stirs up a lot of emotions for families at the best of times. Nostalgia, sometimes grief and even competition. You find that in a lot of intact families, too, as they get caught between different sets of in-laws,” she says.
“Throw in the exhaustion of extra planning, stress around meeting work commitments to earn your break, added financial pressure from putting on lunches and buying gifts, and a bit of eggnog, and you have a perfect melting pot where things bubble up and boil over.
“Keeping children’s wellbeing front and centre can be difficult in that context.”
Ms Brace advised in the family law space for years before becoming the author behind Kinship Books, a series helping children adjust to life in two homes and giving parents practical ways to guide them through transitions.
Having helped many separated families navigate this time of year, she says some key principles can help parents get through the holidays.
Step one – don’t get too caught up in the date.
“Adults tend to hold a rather rigid perception that Christmas is on 25 December and the celebration must take place on that Hallmark movie date … I’ve never met a child who’s said ‘We have to celebrate on the 25th’,” she says.
“From a child’s perspective, Christmas is generally less about when you celebrate and more about how you celebrate. The magic lies in the shared experience.”
Keep your objective in mind: how can we make Christmas a safe and joyous experience for children?
The trick is compromise and planning. The earlier the better to allow time for discussion and practicalities such as travel logistics and meal planning. For separated families, there may also be a legal component, Parker Coles Curtis director and family law specialist Catherine Coles says.
“In my experience, the earlier you have those conversations, the more likely you’ll be able to reach a compromise,” she says.
“Parenting orders aside, if you can’t reach a compromise, you have to have filed a court application by the second Friday of November. If the arrangements have not been sorted this will likely lead to uncertainty and confusion for the children and conflict between their parents at a time that should be enjoyable, particularly for children.”
As with any court consideration, a child’s safety and wellbeing are paramount.
“It might not be possible to have the conversation with your ex-partner because of the dynamic in your relationship and safety concerns,” Ms Coles says.
“Using external services, mediators and lawyers can assist with brokering a deal and compromise so there’s certainty for everyone, most importantly the children.
“A lawyer can also help you reflect on your position and challenge you on your compromise, while pointing out factors that the courts will consider.”
Catherine Coles says early communication is key to a stress-free Christmas for separated families. Photo: Parker Coles Curtis.
In high-conflict situations, discussing via email and text may be preferable.
Stay future focused and prepare for difficult conversations.
“Don’t rehash what happened last holiday or during the marriage. That’s never a good way to set the stage for a productive conversation,” she says. “Have a plan for if they catch you on the hop. A simple ‘I’ll think about that and get back to you’ will suffice.
“Avoid sarcasm, don’t threaten, don’t make pointed remarks about your ex’s mum. Remember the goal.”
Once your arrangement is reached, Ms Coles recommends putting it in writing.
“Even if it’s just an email that recaps what you’ve discussed, get it down in black and white to ensure everyone is on the same page, and you have a record,” she says.
Then, there’s one important job left: communication.
Ms Brace says a child’s experience of key occasions such as Christmas contributes to their overall experience of living between two families.
Communication not only creates stability for kids, but ensures everyone in their orbit stays “on message”.
“As you advise extended family about the plan, you may come across unsolicited advice or opinions,” she says.
“Bear in mind this almost always comes from a place of love. But while well-meaning, comments from grandparents, aunties and cousins can heighten kids’ confusion or guilt.
“Remain calm and keep the message simple. Something like, ‘We’ve agreed on a plan that works for the kids and we would love your support to keep things positive’. Then, shut the conversation down before defensiveness or negotiation can kick in.”
And don’t forget to tell the kids.
“Kids need clarity and predictability, and they need the plan explained in simple, age-appropriate terms,” Ms Brace says.
“In an ideal world, parents have a similar script. Perhaps something along the lines of ‘you’ll have Christmas Eve and morning with me and then I’ll drive you to mum’s or dad’s for Christmas lunch. You get to celebrate with both families’.
“Set the scene for a joyous holiday with everyone they love.”
For more information, visit Parker Coles Curtis.
